It's been 15 hours....

....since my last cigarette. 

I've been a smoker for about 10 years now. For the past 5-6 years, I was a pack a day. It was something I enjoyed, and a nice way to separate yourself from work for a few minutes at a time. It got me outside, enjoying a nice day, and spending time playing with Kaya. 

But then there's also the bad times - rainy days. The cold wind in winter. The cost. When you're sick but still need a nicotine fix. The nasty cough and phlegm in the mornings. The smell. The pressure from family and friends. Cancer. Death.

These are things that all smokers know about, but continue to do anyway. We know the dangers, we see the nasty looks we get from non-smokers as they walk past us. And we continue to do it. Its a stress reliever, and sometimes the only way to keep your sanity in a crazy world. 

Over the past 10 years, I've tried to quit several times. Some attempts lasted only a few hours. Some a few days or weeks. Twice I've quit for 6 months at a time, but always went back. 

If I ever got the chance to travel back in time, I think one of the first things I'd do is go back to the little 14 year old version of me, right before I tried my first cigarette, and I'd beat the living shit out of myself. 

But now, I realize its time to quit for good. Yes, I've said that before, and meant it, but I realize that this cannot continue. I've been wanting to quit for a few months now, but always found an excuse to put it off. I'll do it on my birthday. I'll do it after all the End-of-Fiscal year crap is done. I'll do it when my Smoke Buddy at work takes the new job in November. I'll do it before Thanksgiving. By Christmas I'm going to quit. New Years Resolution time!

I can't keep pushing it back. Last night, around 6 PM, I smoked my last cigarette. I'm on the patch now, and feeling good about it. Yes, there have been several times I've wanted to go out and have a smoke. But I didn't. Last night I had a dream about being in a movie theater where I was smoking. This morning I wanted to have that first puff of the morning, to get the day going. I didn't. And I don't plan on it. I slapped on a new nicotine patch, and went about my day. 

I guess one of the major turning points was my best friend having a child about 9 months ago. It hit me a bit ago that sooner rather than later, she's going to be able to form complete thoughts, talk, and realize that "Uncle Cheese" smells funny. And he goes outside a lot when he's spending time with Mom and Dad. And she's going to see me smoking when we're hanging out together. 

I don't want that. Its not fair to her parents to have me be around their child smelling of smoke all the time. Its not fair to them that they have to have to talk to her about what Uncle Cheese is doing, and why its bad. How could she ever look up to me knowing that I'm doing something bad? That's not fair to her either. 

She's 9 months old and I've never held her. I've never asked, because I know the reason why. They've never offered to let me hold her, and I know the reason why. 

So now I have a reason beyond just my own health and well-being to think about, and added incentive to quit. 

It's time. 

Thank you Moira.