This is too much to ask for?

And meeting someone new? All the nodding and smiling and sibling listing? And what's the upside? It works and you have to have a bunch of sex? 

Lemon, what do you want? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life? 

No! I just wish I could start a relationship about 12 years in, when you really don't have to try anymore and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows. And you can just go to bed without anyone trying any funny business.  

Swoon!!! Tina! I'm your man!!!! 

Yes, like 99.99999% of the nerd population, I have a crush on Tina Fey.

Movies and cooking

How goes everything people? Or, person. I think Deutlich is really the only person who reads this. So how goes it my favorite blog lady?!?

The other day I did one of my favorite things to do. I went and caught two movies during the day. First up - Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Or, as the movie theater I went to listed it, Zack and Miri. 

Now, I've seen several "gross out" flicks in the theaters during the day, and one thing I've always noticed is that almost always, someone gets offended and walks out. So when I go see movies like this, I try to get there a little bit early and people watch. Specifically, watching out for "walk out candidates". 

These are generally older people. Why they're going to a movie they have no idea about is beyond me, but it happens. During American Wedding, a cute older couple made it to the chocolate truffle scene. Now I try to think of what brought them to this movie. They obviously had no idea what the movie was about, so I'm assuming they just saw "American Wedding" as the title, thought that sounded sweet, and bought two tickets. This baffles me, but to each their own. 

So when the cute, older couple walked in right before the previews and sat in my row, I was sure I found my winners. I figured they saw "Zack and Miri" and figured: "Oh cute. I bet this is the sequel to Harold and Maude!". So when the full title came up on the screen, I figured this might be the walk out point. But no, they stuck in. 

And I'll tell you what, they laughed harder than just about anyone in the theater. I was pleasantly surprised, and I really hope I can be that cool when I get older. 

As for the movie - I really liked it. Kevin Smith isn't everyone's cup of tea. I was a huge fan during the Clerks/Mallrats/Chasing Amy days, and it was hard for me to come to grips with the fact that his last few movies have been pretty disappointing. So while I hoped for this to be good, I was hopeful that it would exceed my expectations. And it did. 

There was a perfect blend of Kevin's witty dialogue, gross-out humor, dick-and-fart jokes, and a heaping helping of tenderness as well. Many will say that Kevin tried to rip off the Apatow formula. Arguments could be made that Apatow really ripped off Kevin Smith's style, but that's another topic for another time. 

One thing that Kevin was about to do better than Judd was create a touching story that you really cared about the lead couple. I couldn't give two shits about the couple in Knocked Up ending happily ever after, but you always find yourself pulling for Zack and Miri.

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The second movie I saw was Role Models. Yes, I was going for a completely immature movie day. Sue me. 

I laughed my ass off during the trailers for this, so I had somewhat high hopes, but in the back of my mind I kept trying to convince myself that it was going to suck, and all the best parts were in the trailer. 

I enjoyed it quite a bit. The previews are good, but there's a lot more here to keep you laughing. The first act is slow to start and not too funny, but once it really gets going, it's a fun ride. 

But I gotta bring it back to a point I made earlier. When I was in line for tickets, there were a ton of people standing around, deciding on a movie to see. And when I bought my ticket, a guy standing next to me taps me on the shoulder and asks what Role Models is about. He was trying to decide on a movie to see, and had no idea what this movie was about. He was really considering seeing a movie he knew nothing about. 

He was on his cell phone, I assume talking to his wife. He was mid-30s, looked like he walked out of a J.Crew after getting the Fall Package. I can only assume that his wife was bringing the kids. 

So I tried to describe it. "Two guys get in arrested, and have to go work with troubled kids to avoid jail". 

Then I thought for a split second, turned back to him and said "It's very much an R-rated movie." 

In hindsight, I should have left that last part out. I could have single-handedly caused my own walk out candidates. 

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This morning I was thinking about what I wanted to make with some chicken I had thawing. I settled on BBQ chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. 

When I cook, I like to make dishes that you can blend together and eat out of a bowl. Chicken, rice, some spinach, and corn is a perfect example. Plus it makes it easy to put it in one container and bring for lunch the next day.

Note to self for future: Do not mix BBQ Chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn together. It just looks like vomit. 

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On a serious note, someone I work with got a call this week at work that I hope no one ever has to get. His house was on fire. 

By the time he got there, everything was gone. Fire fighters were still putting out the fire, but it was clear that nothing would be saved. Family memories, clothes, everything was gone. 

Luckily his wife was also at work, so no one was hurt. 

This guy is one of the nicest persons I've ever met. He'd be the first one to help out if something was wrong, and for this to happen to him is awful. 

He has family and friends in the area to stay with. But just knowing that you've got nothing but your car and the clothes on your back is incredibly surreal. 

Good luck Jay. You've got plenty of people willing to help you with whatever you need. 

Addiction

So its been over 8 days now, and no cigarettes. 

I even took off the patch for about 5 hours last night. It didn't feel any better or worse than when I'm wearing it. I don't exactly know what that means. 

I've "quit" smoking before. Twice for 6 months. And every time I knew that I was done for good. Hell, after 4 months with no cigarettes, what reason would I have to ever go back? 

But I did. Two months after saying that I consciously went into a store and bought a pack of cigarettes. Then another. Repeat cycle for, what 6 more years? 

So where did I go wrong previously? Was it letting my guard down before buying that first pack? Did I let the stress of coming to realizing that the relationship I was in was not one that I wanted to continue? Did I simply take for granted all the hard work and dedication during that first hard month?

Or maybe just underestimated how addiction works. 

I think about smoking every day. I think about how much I loved going outside and enjoying 3-5 minutes of being outside and smoking. Just thinking about it makes me want to have a cigarette. I know my sister has one sitting upstairs. 

But I'm not going to. 

Because that one leads me to another. a month later I'll be buying two cartons a month. 

I'm addicted to smoking. I don't even think its just nicotine. Its everything about smoking, the entire routine. If there was a "safe" cigarette, I would never ever ever quit. 

But there's not. 

It may be an urban myth, but I'm sure you've heard of "studies" that say quitting smoking can be as difficult as quitting heroin. I can't say I know the horrors of heroin withdrawal and I'm not about to sign up for a trial study. 

Almost all of the addiction rehab tries to "cure" you of your addiction, or "beat" it. "Overcome" your desire to smoke. "Destroy" nicotine's grip over your life.

How many times did I say that I had "quit" smoking? And yet, here I am again....trying to "quit" smoking. 

I think I was fooling myself before that I had actually quit or overcome my desire to smoke. Thinking that I had beat it. Because clearly I had not. 

So this time around, I'm looking at it another way. I'm accepting my addiction. 

I am a smoker. I will always want to smoke. If I start smoking again, I will love everything that I have always loved about smoking, and will tolerate all of the side effects. The rewards are worth the risks. 

And that's why I'm trying to refrain from saying that I've "quit" smoking. Much like a recovering alcoholic will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, I will always be a smoker. 

So like an alcoholic, I know that I want to smoke. That will always be a part of me. And that's what has to drive me to not smoke even one cigarette. 

I still honor my 8 AM "smoke break" with my friend from work. Sometimes I don't want to smoke, but sometimes I do. I think about asking her for a drag, or to bum a smoke. 

But I know that just one of those will bring me back into the fray, and I'll indulge my smoker side again. 

Will I ever smoke again? I don't know. But I didn't yesterday and I won't today. I just gotta take it a day at a time. 8 days down. 1 to go. 

Tomorrow. 

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I saw Moira today for the first time since I quit smoking. She is as beautiful and happy as ever. She stood on my lap and played with my Michigan hat. She used my pant leg to pull herself up. And I didn't have to leave at a commercial break to go have a cigarette.  

It's been 15 hours....

....since my last cigarette. 

I've been a smoker for about 10 years now. For the past 5-6 years, I was a pack a day. It was something I enjoyed, and a nice way to separate yourself from work for a few minutes at a time. It got me outside, enjoying a nice day, and spending time playing with Kaya. 

But then there's also the bad times - rainy days. The cold wind in winter. The cost. When you're sick but still need a nicotine fix. The nasty cough and phlegm in the mornings. The smell. The pressure from family and friends. Cancer. Death.

These are things that all smokers know about, but continue to do anyway. We know the dangers, we see the nasty looks we get from non-smokers as they walk past us. And we continue to do it. Its a stress reliever, and sometimes the only way to keep your sanity in a crazy world. 

Over the past 10 years, I've tried to quit several times. Some attempts lasted only a few hours. Some a few days or weeks. Twice I've quit for 6 months at a time, but always went back. 

If I ever got the chance to travel back in time, I think one of the first things I'd do is go back to the little 14 year old version of me, right before I tried my first cigarette, and I'd beat the living shit out of myself. 

But now, I realize its time to quit for good. Yes, I've said that before, and meant it, but I realize that this cannot continue. I've been wanting to quit for a few months now, but always found an excuse to put it off. I'll do it on my birthday. I'll do it after all the End-of-Fiscal year crap is done. I'll do it when my Smoke Buddy at work takes the new job in November. I'll do it before Thanksgiving. By Christmas I'm going to quit. New Years Resolution time!

I can't keep pushing it back. Last night, around 6 PM, I smoked my last cigarette. I'm on the patch now, and feeling good about it. Yes, there have been several times I've wanted to go out and have a smoke. But I didn't. Last night I had a dream about being in a movie theater where I was smoking. This morning I wanted to have that first puff of the morning, to get the day going. I didn't. And I don't plan on it. I slapped on a new nicotine patch, and went about my day. 

I guess one of the major turning points was my best friend having a child about 9 months ago. It hit me a bit ago that sooner rather than later, she's going to be able to form complete thoughts, talk, and realize that "Uncle Cheese" smells funny. And he goes outside a lot when he's spending time with Mom and Dad. And she's going to see me smoking when we're hanging out together. 

I don't want that. Its not fair to her parents to have me be around their child smelling of smoke all the time. Its not fair to them that they have to have to talk to her about what Uncle Cheese is doing, and why its bad. How could she ever look up to me knowing that I'm doing something bad? That's not fair to her either. 

She's 9 months old and I've never held her. I've never asked, because I know the reason why. They've never offered to let me hold her, and I know the reason why. 

So now I have a reason beyond just my own health and well-being to think about, and added incentive to quit. 

It's time. 

Thank you Moira. 

Indiana Jones and the Proof that George Lucas Sucks

If you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie yet, don't read any further. I'll spoil things for you that really, no person should ever have to see. 

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The first 30 minutes of this abomination truly set the pace for what's to come. Horrible acting, green screen when its totally unneeded, and a hint of technology that in no way should exist in the 1950s. Oh, and Cate Blanchett giving one of the worst performances of her entire career. What was with the accent? Did that part really require a "big name" or "respected" actress like Cate? Couldn't they have hired a hot Russian chick for that role, like they did in Last Crusade? That was part of the fun of Indiana Jones - it felt authentic. Granted, it did have numerous cartoon-y moments throughout the series, but you always felt like Indy and his gang were always THERE. This was littered with green screen and CGI crap - similar to why Terminator 3 was so bad. 

Then, Shia LaBeouf makes his appearance. I think they were going for "tough guy greaser/motorcycle bad ass". What it looked and felt like was "the cop from the Village People". All he needed was a bushy mustache. 

Once they get going on their adventure, the movie is actually fairly tolerable. For about 30 minutes. Then you get to the jungle car/boat/vine chase. Seriously. A car-boat. And Shia swinging like Tarzan with a group of monkeys who somehow realize that Shia is a good guy, and Russians are bad guys. That's not even to mention the sword fight that occurs between Mr. LaBeouf and Cate Blanchett. While they're both standing on the hood of two cars. That are driving pretty quickly. Through the jungle. But don't worry - no one was hurt during filming these scenes because THE ENTIRE THING WAS GREEN SCREEN!!! 

And then, you come to the big finish. 

Aliens. 

Really? Aliens?!?!

My head hurts, and I cannot believe how much George Lucas and Steven Spielberg suck for making this movie. There was no need for it. There was a little hope from fans that it WOULD be made, but I don't think anyone would really lose any sleep if it didn't get made. But they knew that if they DID make it, fanboys would come running. I mean, it worked for the Star Wars prequels, right? 

Make crap with computers, make a shit ton of money. 

I can't wait for the next installment - Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Decent Movie. 

I'm not holding out much hope. 

More movies I've seen Lately

The Happening - see post below. 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Okay. Not as funny as 40 year-old virgin, Knocked Up, or Superbad, but probably a better movie than Knocked Up or Superbad as far a story structure and execution. Kristen Bell is as cute as a basket full of kittens. Surrounded by puppies. And baby pandas sprinkled on top. 

Burn After Reading - I saw this with my friends The Writer and Ms. Liberal. I respect both of their opinions on movies as we all have fairly similar tastes. I really liked this, while both of them did not. I found it oddly appealing, dark, and hilarious at showing the ineptitude from top to bottom. Like The Big Lebowski - which was also mildly received by critics and audiences at first -I think this one will earn some legs over time. And J.K. Simmons steals the movie as the CIA head. He's one of the best actors we have right now. 

Choke - I saw this one with The Writer, as we were both highly anticipating it. I'd read the book before seeing the movie, The Writer had not. I think that gave him an advantage a bit going into the movie. Its such a strange story that brings together mental illness, sex addiction, colonial reenactments, and Jesus' foreskin. I cannot even begin to make this up. I thought the movie was good, and I laughed my ass off at times, but some of the joy of the story is seeing how this odd mix comes together. Knowing the story robbed me of seeing that unfold without knowing what was coming. 

Grandma's Boy - This is one of my favorite stoner comedies of all time. Know all those guys that Adam Sandler puts in all his movies? Well, he let them make their own movie. The bar does not sound pretty high on that, so it more than meets the expectations. Nick Swardson is hilarious as the man-child living with his "roommates" (parents) and loving his race car bed. One of the best scenes includes masturbation, an action figure, and someone's mom. Hilarity ensues. If you don't mind stupid stoner comedies, I highly recommend this one. 

I haven't laughed this hard since Troll 2

Ladies and gentlemen, make room in the hall of fame. Clear a shelf for The Happening. 

M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong's newest film is probably one of the funniest movies of the year. The smugness and pretentiousness just ooze through the screen and gives you a nice warm hug. They yells at you for wasting electricity and not driving a hybrid car. 

The dialogue leaves you completely breathless. 

"What's happening?"

"I...I don't know" 

(dramatic stare....hold it....hold it....END SCENE)

I think this sequence took place 7-8 times. By Mark Wahlberg alone. I kept hoping for a "say hello to your mother for me", but sadly, it did not make an appearance. 

If you want to enhance the experience a bit by making a drinking game out of your evening, just drink anytime someone says "happening". You'll be hammered before the 30 minute mark. 

You want terror? M. Night has a FUCKING WIND MACHINE! WATCH OUT!

I really don't want to give away the movie for anyone, because really, our arrogant prick director/editor/writer/producer/narcissist basically slaps you across the face with it in the first 15 minutes, then continues to ram it up your ass in "subtle" ways. 

I expected this to be complete crap, but M. Night, I tip my hat to you. This is one of the most exquisite turds that has ever made it's way to film. 

 

So now, I give you some of my favorite "so bad they're great" movies:

The Happening

Troll 2 - seriously, go get this. now. Trolls who turn people into plants then eat said people. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!

Robot Jox -  a downright classic from my childhood. In the future, all of the world's disagreements are settled by Robot Jox. Big robots. Fighting. It came out in the late 90's, and its "special effects' bankrupted the studio. I cannot come close to speaking the awesomeness that is this movie. 

Jack Frost - not the Michael Keaton family film, but the horror movie that came out two years earlier. This one follows about the same plot/set-up, but instead of a family man who turns into a snowman to see his kids or some shit like that, this Jack Frost is a criminal on his way to death row, and he becomes a killer snowman. Includes rape scene with Shannon Elizabeth and a carrot!

I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now. Have any to add? 

Debate

Okay, there's just too many great things about this debate. I can't even come close to covering them all. 

But the biggest thing I've noticed, and yeah, they've probably been said before. The easy joke is McCain is old, but beyond that, he talks just like your dad trying to be hip, but his only real idea of what "hip" is comes from advertising trying to sell "hip", so he ends up trying to emulate the Burger King dad, who is trying to emulate the dad who isn't hip. 

Obama seems to suffer from the same speech problem that I do....our brains go faster than our words, so we end up saying weird things at the end of our sentences that totally don't make sense if you take it literally - but for the most part you get the point. I'm not sure if this was a direct quote or not, but Obama made a comment about doubling the size of the peace corps, and making them military ready to elevate the military burden. 

Um, I have no idea what his point was there, but I am SOOOOO for this idea. Doubling the number of annoying smelly hippies allowed into the peace corps (and thus, outside of the US), AND we can ship them into military service? 

Obama, you just got my vote.

The hurting is funny

Okay, I'm not going to lie, I enjoy me some (good) dumb humor. From a stupid stoner movie (I highly recommend Grandma's Boy - its literally a Sandler movie without Sandler), to Dumb and Dumber (a modern classic), to some of the Kevin Smith stuff. And yes, there's a lot of dumb humor out there that's just....dumb. A complete and utter waste of time, effort, money, and work. Its crap. 

But one thing I always find funny? People getting hurt. Someone falling down the stairs? Hilarious. Slipping on ice? Comic gold. A BMX wreck with a good face plant? Always a good chuckle. 

So how excited was I when I found the video below? Um, crap-your-pants excited! (don't worry, I changed them before writing this entry). Its 30 minutes of people hurting themselves, getting hurt, and having their friends hurt them. You heard me. 30 MINUTES. 

Yes, there are some graphic clips here that both are extremely painful and just gross. Bones breaking really freaked me out. But the animals pooping on people gave me a good guffaw though.  

Oh yeah, you've seen some of this clips before I'm sure, but never like this. Great editing with themes (people passing out a weddings! babies getting hurt! The Exorcist scare video! Car accidents!), and there's even some really cool non-accidents towards the end. 

So if you're as juvenile as I am some of the times, do yourself a favor and take the 34 minutes to appreciate this. 

My favorite part? When the guy got hurt. 

The ULTIMATE COMPILATION!!!
by phillyblacklite

A moral dilemma

So anyone who knows me knows that I'm a bit of an animal lover. I'm no PETA fan, as I find their tactics and hypocrisy quite repulsive, but I live in a house with three dogs, and we're the neighborhood kennel. For the entire month of June, there was some other dog in our house every day that we were dog-sitting. Yeah, we like dogs. 

Beyond that, I generally dig most earth-and-air-bound creatures (fuck all those sea-based bastards. Fuck you jellyfish. And fuck shrimp. Yeah, I said it. Know that delicious treat you're loving? That's the cockroach of the sea.)

So today, I had one of the worst animal related experiences of my life. 

A couple of friends moved into the neighborhood last week, so I decided to take my dog Kaya on a walk down to check out their place. She went a little nuts once we got there, cause they have two cats and the smell was everywhere. But I had her on the leash and she wasn't doing too much damage. It was just going to be a quick hello, so after a few minutes, Kaya and I head to the front door to say our adieus. Open the door, and Kaya almost pulls my arm out of the socket. When I look to see what's captivated her attention so much, I see it. A baby squirrel laying on the steps. 

I pull Kaya off as quick as I can, and move away from the stairs. That's when I notice that the squirrel is laying flat on its stomach, unable to move. I guess it got hit by a car, or maybe fell out of a tree or something, but it clearly looked like its back was broken. Trying to keep Kaya calm and away from the squirrel, I then hear it. A death scream. Loud and piercing. It could be one of the worst sounds I've ever heard in my life. 

So here's the moral dilemma - what should I have done in that situation? Walk away and let it be someone else's problem? Call Animal Control and have them come get it? Or do I have to put it out of its misery? 

There's  not a chance in hell that I could bare killing it. I know it was dying, and I know it was in pain. But I just would not be able to do it. My stomach hurt just seeing it there. 

I took Kaya and walked back up the street towards home. Half a block away I heard the scream again, and it seemed even louder than when I was standing right beside it. 

Trickle Down Economics

Let me tell a story about a man I know, which will help explain why I consider myself fiscally conservative, and believe in the idea of trickle down economics. 

This man is older, maybe early 60's. For most of his career he worked in a normal office job. He is intelligent and hard working, and was able to see a fairly progressive rise in his career. However, economic hard times were faced, and several times he found himself the victim of cutbacks and downsizing. 

Sometimes these stints were short, but sometimes they were longer. Savings started to diminish. Relocation became a necessity. But he and his family landed on their feet eventually, and things picked up where they left off. 

All the while, this man held the dream of one day owning his own business. Not having a boss anymore. Being able to make real changes to a company - to advance in the industry and provide a better life for his employees. Several years ago, after another lay off, he began exploring his options - looking for investors, investigating small businesses, building a team to work with. After much looking, he found a small manufacturing business in another state. With the financial backing in place, he bought the company and took over as President of the corporation. His first goal was to raise the company's profit enough to offer his 60 or so employees health care. 

Like any small business, his depended on getting raw materials from his suppliers and customer contracts.

A supplier who faces supply shortages due to financial constraints. Increasing fuel charges for delivery vehicles. Customers who are upset at getting their products late and at higher costs. 

Your customers - major companies themselves - are receiving products late and at higher costs, thus limiting their ability to recoup their expenses. Cutbacks are required to keep themselves afloat. 

Contracts are cancelled. Banks are unable to extend additional credit because they have no money after putting their chips on the line and coming up short. Interest rates for business credit goes through the roof. Without additional credit, his ability to purchase the supplies needed (now costing more than before, thus cutting into the company's income) is non-existent. 

His company hits hard time. Executive staff takes pay cuts to prevent staff layoffs. But its not enough. Not nearly enough. Fewer customers buying fewer products. 

The board meets to discuss its options. It looks like the worst case scenario. Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Massive layoffs, possibly the entire staff of the manufacturing plant, and administrative staff. 

For small business owners, when the company they own declare Chapter 11, its almost a certainty that the primary owner will have to declare bankruptcy as well. In doing so, the only thing you're entitled to personally is $15,000. Anything else, they sell. 

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This is just one example. And its not meant to be a sob story. Its just an example of why the notion of trickle down economics and the importance of small businesses. If this current economic crisis continues for long, this story will repeat itself across the country. 

Small businesses are the backbone of this country. They employ a vast majority of the employed people of this country - jobs ranging from fast food and convenience stores to government contractors, to numerous industrial workers. 

And that's why corporations receive so many tax breaks - because they employe a vast majority of the work force, either currently or at some point in their lives. 

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Essentially, and in it's simplest form, the entire economic system is a huge pyramid scheme. 

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And that's the only reason I really can even begin to support this economic bailout. Buy buying the bad mortgages (which have no real capital behind them)  from the the banks - in theory - we'll free the banks up to offer additional credit to companies (these are usually 3-month loans), which allows smaller companies to purchase needed (or additional) materials to keep business going, and keeping their employees, well, employed. 

That's not to say that I'm supporting giving $700 billion away. But something has to happen, or things could get a lot worse.

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Jesus fucking tap dancing christ. Why don't any of you (2-3) readers out there ever tell me to shut the fuck up about the serious shit? 

Honestly, I'm going to be the old dude living by himself with 3 dogs. I'm gonna be outside 8 hours a day holding the hose pretending to water the lawn. And all I'm really doing is waiting for someone to come by and do something annoying so I can yell at them. 

I mean, yeah, I can't wait for those days. Being old and cranky and crazy seems awesome. 

But I'm not there quite yet. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me to knock it off, stop being Debbie Downer, and have some fun. 

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I promise, I'll try my best to make this more of a light-hearted and fun place to come and spend some time. Just as soon as those damn kids stop loitering in front of my house. 

Recent things I've watched

Seeing how I list "movie buff" as something about me, I guess it'd be a good idea to list some of the things I've watched recently, and maybe give a few opinions. 

When I'm working, I like to throw on a movie or TV show that I've seen before. Something familiar and enjoyable as background noise. A few of the movies I've done that with lately are:

Knocked Up - still pretty funny, but the more I watch it and take notice, I can kinda see Katherine Heigl's point about it being mildly sexist. But overall, it's still an enjoyable watch.

Clerks II - I should say that I've been on a bit of a Kevin Smith kick lately. I watched Mallrats again a few months ago, Dogma a few weeks ago, and then watched Clerks II again. Not his best work, but for a sequel, it didn't completely rape the original. And seeing Jay do the Buffalo Bill impressions still cracks my shit up. Plus, I'm kinda excited for Zack and Miri Make a Porno.

Snatch - again, just wanted something comfortable and familiar. Still a great flick, and one of Brad Pitt's best roles - right up there with True Romance. Plus, I'm kinda excited for Rocknrolla.

Weeds Season 4 - I don't have showtime, but that doesn't stop me from checking out Weeds. I kinda lost touch with Weeds while the season was running. I watched the first 3 or 4 episodes, then kinda dropped it for awhile. Then I watched the entire season in about 3 days. Weeds seems to continue the pattern of each season so far - there are still good parts that are totally worth watching the show, but each season there are more and more story lines that really struggle and bring the show down. This year it was Andy and Doug's side project. Blah. But I still love Shane Botwin and his bizarre personality. And for the ladies, you get to see A LOT of Silas this season. If I was gay, I'd totally think he was hot. Too bad I was way too focused on Mary-Louise Parker....*drool*

Six Feet Under, Season 1 - This was a big one for me. My sister and mom LOVE the show, and would always watch as many episodes as they could when she and I came down to visit the folks. Sometimes I'd stick around to watch one or two, but most of the time I'd go surf the internet, take my dog for a walk, or do anything else I could. It just seemed.....weird. For the sake of being weird. I'm okay with weird. Hell, I LOVE weird movies, but this was almost too weird for me. 

Then I realized the problem. If you just watch a random episode, of COURSE it's weird. These people all have seriously fucked up issues. So you gotta watch the entire series, in order, to follow WHY it's so weird. I was quite impressed with the first season, and I've got season 2 sitting next to my TV, but I haven't gotten around to start it yet. 

I'm thinking of watching Cool Hand Luke now. There's no better way to say goodbye to Paul Newman than to watch him in one of his best roles. 

"Sometimes nothing can be a pretty cool hand"

The Project

So, I've mentioned The Project before, and I figured I should talk a little more about it now. But first, the backstory.

April 2007 I started my new job. I was staying in the same federal agency, but switching from a contractor role to a federal employee job. I went from a recruiting/hiring role to a straight data analysis type position. I think some of the first things my boss told me was to "learn VBA coding and SQL syntax". Um, what? So yeah, the first few weeks was basically me feeling like an idiot for 9 hours a day. no.fun.at.all. 

But slowly I picked things up, and I think I have a pretty good grasp of things now. But back then, I was still pretty lost. Its your typical "new job idiot" feeling where you're learning where the bathroom is, and who in the hell can help explain things for you. I HATE that feeling, and its one of the main reasons I'm happy with a slower career path that doesn't require me to jump jobs all the time. 

...

We're getting off track here. Sorry. Back to The Project. One of the first big events after I started was our annual Management Conference in June. For this year's meeting, we took all our managers and put them in 15 different teams with the task of highlighting each section's current procedure/policy/workflow, and to recommend changes and improvements. I got put on two teams - one I understood and one I did not. But being the peon of the "management circle", I had to write the powerpoints for both our groups. 

The conference is about as exciting as it sounds - all day, 15 powerpoint presentations, and "team building" activities. Like 95% of the people there, I found it incredibly boring and only retained about 5% of the material presented. Lucky for us we were given a binder with all the presentations - a tiny little book of about 280 powerpoint slides. 

Fast forward to August 2008. One of our high-level managers wants to create a "management reference guide", basically they want the binder from the Management Conference updated to show the current procedures now - what changes were made either by our own internal actions, or broad changes agency-wide. The Project gets passed down to someone higher up than myself. She's quite swamped with other projects, so she passes it on to me. Again, I'm still the low man here, so there's not really anyone I can pass it on to, and I've got a lot of other shit on my plate as well. She says there's no real deadline right now, but they do expect to see an end product at some point. I really did mean to start working on it, and I even read through all the old stuff, made notes, and noted what I needed to get updated. 

I just didn't know how to get started. If I had some direction or even offering to provide me some help, I might be able to get some stuff done. But since it would require a.) all the material to be updated, and b.) a complete re-formatting of the information, WHERE THE HELL DO I START?!?!

So while I'm pondering this, other projects come up that take higher priority or need immediate action. This project gets put on the side for awhile. 

Cue to two Mondays ago. Same woman who pushed it down to me says "Hey, can you have a first draft of The Project ready by the end of the Fiscal Year?" 

"You mean, like in two weeks?"

"Yeah, why, is that going to be a problem?"

"Maybe. I haven't really had much time to get started, and I have a lot of other stuff going on right now as well."

"Well, we need a draft by the end of the FY."

Me, to myself - "well....fuck me."

Keep in mind...this is 15 separate group's work, from 15 months ago. And we're coming up at the end of the Fiscal Year, which is always extra work for managers.  

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I'll spare everyone of the details of how I got it done, but I will say that I work with some really great people who really helped me get these updates done. And other people were willing to take the time and let me bug them with questions. 

So tonight, after 2 weeks of working on it every night and all day on the weekends, I think I'm done with my first draft for review. I was able to shrink down 280 powerpoint presentations to 20 pages of flowcharts and narratives of each step in the processes. 

And I really hate bragging or tooting my own horn, but I fucking rocked it. I'm so proud of what I was able to do with this. 

And I really think starting this blog right in the middle of working on it helped. After 8-10 hours a day at the office, coming home and working 3-5 more hours at home for two straight weeks, I was starting to get a little crazy. Thoughts flooded my brain and I needed a way to get them out, because I didn't have the space to keep them up there while trying to wrap my head around The Project. 

So thank you. 

Hopefully now that I have a bit more time on my hands, we can hang out more often. 

Bush bashing

I promise, this little blog o' mine won't be a political blog forever. It just seems like the only way to avoid political talk these days is to stay locked in your home with no tv, no radio, no internet, and you better not look outside or else you'll see 10,000 political signs around the neighborhood. 

Trust me, there's a lot of other things going on in the space between my ears, and I'm sure I'll get to it eventually, but for right now....you're getting more politics. 

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I'm going to start here with what seems like a politically unpopular opinion - I don't think Bush is the reason for all of our problems right now. That's not to say I think he's guilt free or hasn't made his fair share of mistakes. Hell, I think it is entirely possible that he'll go down as one of the 5-10 worst Presidents we've had. But I don't think it's all his fault. Those that do place the blame all on him, I think, are giving the man WAAAAAAY too much credit. He's not smart enough to cause all of our problems. He's had plenty of help, and I'm not just talking about the typical liberal "blame gang" of Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Condoleezza Rice. Believe it or not, the blame goes further than that. Brace yourselves....even some (*gasp*) LIBERALS are to blame. 

I'm too lazy right now to look it up, but one of my favorite lines from "The West Wing" was something like "The Republicans aren't the enemy, they're the opposition. Congress is the enemy." Truer words have never been said. Thanks to the wonderful thing called The Constitution, the power of the President is limited. Granted, that power has expanded quite a bit since 1787, but the general idea is the same - the President can't single handily run (or ruin) the country. He had plenty of help. 

We currently have a Democratic Congress, led by Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. And if you look, the approval rating for Congress is just as low, if not lower, than Bush's approval rating over the past year or so. And if you'll notice, that's about the same time period where everyone started running for re-election. We hear it every 4 years it seems, but "This is the most important election EVER!!!!!!!11!!!ONE!!!ONE!!!!!" And to some extents, that is true - a brand-new administration is going to take over. The promise of hope and chance is in the air. So what's the worst thing that a Congressman can do right now? Rock the boat, and risk not being in Washington to be a part of the change. So, Congress has taken an unofficial leave of absence for the past 12 months, it seems, to allow everyone to shore up their base. That means ruffling as few feathers as possible and changing as little as possible. McCain realized the problems with sub-prime loans awhile ago, but no one wanted to deal with it, hoping it would stay a dormant problem until after November. 

Oops. 

So now, here we are discussing a $700 BILLION bail-out for major investment organizations. And it's all Bush's fault, right? Not so much. Check out this post a guy I know from college wrote on the whole mess: http://rudeamerican.blogspot.com/2008/09/to-own-home-in-state-of-nature.html. I'll wait for you to read it....

So wait a second....that sounds like it was Clinton who started the whole mess? He set the parameters for this collapse. 

Bush didn't encourage banks to take these Adjusted Rate Mortgages. He didn't force the Federal Reserve to raise interest rates month after month, causing these mortgages to go higher and higher each month. Bush never forced anyone to sign one of these mortgages, gun to head and pen to paper. 

There are many cogs in the machine of the Federal Government, and one man cannot save or collapse and entire system like this. 

Look at the similarities between the recent gas price problem, and these mortgages. Oil wasn't skyrocketing in cost because of a sudden fear of the supply, or the capacity to produce more gasoline. Prices were going through the roof LONG before hurricane season started, so it wasn't just that fear alone. 

It was oil speculators artificially increasing the cost of a barrel of oil. Investors buying thousands of barrels of oil at $120, assuming it would go up to $140. 

Sounds a lot like everyone hoping to flip homes in America and make a quick $20,000-50,000 simply by signing their name to a piece of paper. Who cares what the mortgage rate is? I'm only going to have this house for 2-3 months, right?

But when the bubble burst, too many people were stuck holding a house they couldn't afford and didn't want. And those that did get the house they wanted had to pay the additional $20,000-50,000 just because the other guy got there first and wanted to get a piece of the pie. It was individual greed that pushed this problem to the breaking point. The "haves" trying to milk more out of the "have nots". (Oh, and there are quite a few "haves" who are Democrat as well....not all rich people are Republicans)

Bush didn't buy all the houses in America and force people to pay inflated prices for them, just as he didn't buy all the oil and make the prices go up. 

But, but, but....he didn't do anything to stop it either!!!! 

What can he do, really? Yeah, he could try to release an Executive Order suspending the gas tax for a few months, or ordering that interest rates freeze at a certain level, but all of those moves are a gross overreach of Executive power. He'd be raked over the coals for doing it, just as much as he has been for not doing anything. 

The last thing I'd say is that Bush has done a great job and really helped advance and promote the American way of life. Things aren't better than they were 8 years ago. But he's also had a bad hand dealt to him, and tried to do the best with what he could. It's hard to make lemonade when you've been given rotten pineapples. 

So when you're going to that polling booth in November, just remember that both parties were given the power to fix things, and none of them used that power to help America.

um....fuck?

So I've been working on a massive project for the past two weeks. Basically its a complete review manual of several key processes for my area for all managers. I've been working on it day and night, and all weekend, for the past two weeks. I'm about half-way done.

Then, tonight, around 10:45 PM, I go to save the file and convert it to a .pdf, when, something happened to Microsoft Publisher. I don't know, but it crashed while converting the file.

And now, the entire thing is gone. I click to open the file and it gives me some error (sorry, I'm too panicked and terrified right now to get the exact wording beyond MY FILE ISN'T FUCKING THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Um, so, um, FUCK. I take back the post from two hours ago. If my file isn't there and wonderful and complete in the morning, I might just stab someone with a pen tomorrow.

Update: After 5-10 minutes of stewing, I've realized this isn't the end of the world. I'd saved all my work in other formats throughout the process, so nothing's really "lost" its just....inconvenient. I hope

Update 2.0: Got in to work this morning, totally expecting my file to still not work. I mean, why would it work now? BUT IT DID! IT WORKED! EVERYTHING IS THERE!

Thank you Jebus!

PC/Mac - Microsoft Strikes Back

So Microsoft was doing something like a $100 million ad campaign to counter the hipper-than-thou Mac ads. It started with the Jerry Seinfeld/Bill Gates creep-fest that started showing about two weeks ago. I'll be a happy man when I can get the image out of my head of Bill Gates wiggling his hips like his boxers are riding up...*shutter*.

Then they had the follow-up one with Jerry and Bill staying at the Principle-from-Billy-Madison's house, and they like, steal a mouse or something? I dunno, I couldn't stand to watch it that closely.

But has anyone seen the new New NEW Microsoft ads that have popped up in the past few days? It starts with a carbon copy of the "PC guy" from the Mac ads. He says something like, "Hi, I'm a PC, and I'm also a stereotype", and it shows a whole bunch of people from all walks of life and all types of jobs and they all say something like "I'm a PC".

I like it. It's exactly what Microsoft needed to show that, hey, PCs are used A LOT by A LOT of different types of people. And you don't need to be a pretentious hipster to use us! That's right, you can own a PC even if you didn't LOVE Juno (or, ironically, a hipster who HATED Juno)...

Normal people use PCs. College kids still get Dell and Gateway laptops. I have a Mac for my personal computer, but I use PC at work and the PC government laptop. There are things I really like about both, some things that drive me crazy about both (mostly PC here, but a few Mac things too). But about 80% of the time, I don't really give a shit which one I'm on, cause they do the same thing. Porn looks the same on both. (er, porn? I mean, um, spreadsheets! Yeah, spreadsheets!)

Microsoft's next ad should really highlight that almost every Mac user still uses Microsoft Office.

Change?

So I covered religion already and basically showed my border-line atheist views. Might as well go on and talk politics now too. 

I've always had an interest in politics. I grew up with parents who had some strong political views, and pictures of my mom and dad with several high-ranking Republicans. I do realize that in this day and age (or at least in the Northern VA neighborhood I call home), saying you're a Republican is akin to beating a puppy for fun or mugging a 90 year old lady. But I promise you, not all Republicans hate minorities and love war. 

I went to a very conservative college who refused to take federal funding, and thus didn't have to follow government rules. There I majored in political science and history. So yeah, I'm well versed in conservative doctrine. 

Over the past 10 years or so, I've found some of my conservative views remain (albeit changed in some ways), but I find my association with the Republican party distancing. I've voted Democrat, Libertarian, and Republican in various elections. I'm for smaller government, and I thought the Republican party was too....my bad. $700 billion? 

Which brings us to 2008. Obama and McCain. The young idealist and the cranky old man.  And I'm totally undecided on who I support and want as President. At this point I'm almost trying to determine which would do the least amount of harm in the next 4-8 years. 

I don't believe a single word of what any candidate says. All the promises they make, how they both claim to be outside the Washington system, the empty calls of change...its all just marketing and advertising. Just like any infomercial selling you the product that will change your life, but in reality is a piece of crap - this election just reeks of "tell 'em what they want to hear". 

I'm a federal employee. I'm on the fringe of being able to influence management, and a lot of my work directly effects how our "area" runs. And again, I was a political science and history major....I understand bureaucracy. There are well over a million federal employees. There are no switches that you can flip to institute overnight change in the federal government. So stop saying that you're going to "change" Washington. Oh sure, of all those campaign promises you're making to teachers, Detroit auto workers, Pittsburgh steel workers, retirees, celebrities, and any other group willing to give hundreds of thousands of dollars to your campaign....maybe 10% of that will actually be accomplished. 

You'd think Obama would know how laws are made, what with all the major legislation he's written. Oh....wait. Scratch that. And he's as bad a speaker off-script as Bush is. If he's smart he'll do as few debates as possible.

McCain rocking the "Maverick" label is bullshit with all those lobbyists he's got involved in  his campaign.  His legendary temper is going to do wonders for repairing our foreign relations. And he's drinking the religions right kool-aid a bit more each day. Let's not even discuss the possibility of President Palin....

You see where I'm going here? Both these guys scare the shit out of me. 

I don't think either one is a bad person, and I think they both have good intentions for the most part. McCain has a tremendous record of working with Democrats get important and less-than-popular legislation passed because it was the right thing to do. Obama has such a warming personality that it's hard to dislike him, and I think that will go a long way to repairing U.S. foreign relations (now what he does AFTER that is completely suspect...). 

I voted for the Libertarian candidate in 2004, mostly because I was tired of Bush and couldn't stand the wimpy Kerry. But there are things I like about both of the candidates this year, and things that terrify me. I may go that route again this year, but I don't feel good about it. 2004 was a protest vote; 2008 seems like a cop-out vote. 

I still have some time to make up my mind. 

It's just sad that the least effective way to learn about the candidates is by listening to what they say on the campaign trail. 

For my introduction, I talk about religion and music. Smart

So, um....hey there. 

*crickets chirping*

How's everyone doing tonight?

*crickets leave*

 Well, now that I have everyone's attention. 

There are two things you should never talk about in public - religion and politics. So I figured the best way to start things out is by talking religion....and....music. Stick with me here. After a preface to a preface to an introduction, I may get to a point somewhere down the line. 

So, religion. I'm not really a fan. The idea of religion is great and serves as an excellent guide for how to lead a good life. Regardless of what religion you claim, the basic tenets - broken down to the simplest level - are the same: The golden rule. Treat others as you want people to treat  you. The basic level of morality. And my belief is that you don't have to label yourself "Christian", "Muslim", "Hindu", or any other organized religion to follow this rule and be a "moral" individual. 

Religion does not equal morality. And its on that point where I become flustered with organized religion. Organized religion says that if you're pro-choice or support the death penalty you cannot ("in good faith") receive communion at a Catholic mass and can be excommunicated (Joe Biden is finding that out the hard way. Shit, no politics in this post). There are just as many atheists living good moral lives as there are Christians leading immoral lives.

So, um....how does this tie into music? I'm glad you asked. Time for preface #2.

I'm a bit of a workaholic. We'll get to that at some later point, but for now, just know that I work a lot. And when I work, I need to have some background noise. Be it Howard Stern on my headphones or music from the speakers in my office, I need something to keep my brain focused on the task at hand. Yeah, I'm kinda weird. 

My music listening kinda follows a cycle. Stream Sirus Alt Nation channel for awhile, tune out songs that don't catch my ear, and make note of the songs that really catch my attention. If the song holds my attention after several listens, I'll download the album or song and listen to it and the other music I've enjoyed on repeat until they bore me. Rinse and repeat. 

So, what catches my attention? An excellent question. One in which I am sooooo unable to answer intelligently that I will act like a 5th grader in my response. 

A song will catch my attention with how the music and the vocals blend together. 

Sounds stupid, right? And it is. I can't explain it better than that though. Music is always background noise to me, so if a song comes on that meshes well, my ears perk up and take notice. I'm sure there are more eloquent ways of stating why I like what I like, but I can't do it. 

....

I'm also a huge metacritc nerd. So sometimes I see an album that is getting rave reviews, that I've never heard of before, and get it on a whim. Sometimes it leads to a wonderful success (Madvillainy, Sigur Ros), and sometimes it has led to disaster (I can't think of anything right now, but there are examples damnit!)

Sometime this summer, I saw the rave reviews for The Hold Steady's new album "Stay Positive".  Metacritc's summary of the album was "this is the fourth album for the Brooklyn, NY indie rock quintet", and is rated an 85 out of 100. 

So I downloaded it. Put it on several times in the office while I was working. Enjoyed what I heard. But lyrics have ALWAYS been the very last thing I listen for in a song. Hell, a good 40% of the time I can't figure out what the lyrics are to any song. I just want to hear how the music and vocal abilities of the band mesh together. If its good, I'll keep listening and try to pay attention to what they're actually saying. To this day, I still can't tell you what a single Radiohead song is about, but I'll still listen to them. 

Cue to this evening. Working on one of 1,583 projects I have due before the end of the month, I decide to throw on The Hold Steady's new album "Stay Positive", which I've listened to 10-15 times in the background. 

Only tonight did I realize the heavy Christian overtones. "Overtones" may actually undersell it a bit. Hold Steady fans are going to have to work hard to convince me that they're not a "Christian band". 

And you know what, I don't care. I'm still going to say its the best (of the 8 or so I've heard) album of 2008. For true musical opinion, you need my friend deutlich (http://deutlich.wordpress.com) for any musical insight. She's the smartest music person I know....nevemind that whole backstreet boys fandom....

So to wrap things up....I don't like organized religion, and I like music. 

And now you see reason #1 while I may or may not be normal. We're still trying to figure that out. If you stick around long enough, maybe we can work that out together.