Addiction

So its been over 8 days now, and no cigarettes. 

I even took off the patch for about 5 hours last night. It didn't feel any better or worse than when I'm wearing it. I don't exactly know what that means. 

I've "quit" smoking before. Twice for 6 months. And every time I knew that I was done for good. Hell, after 4 months with no cigarettes, what reason would I have to ever go back? 

But I did. Two months after saying that I consciously went into a store and bought a pack of cigarettes. Then another. Repeat cycle for, what 6 more years? 

So where did I go wrong previously? Was it letting my guard down before buying that first pack? Did I let the stress of coming to realizing that the relationship I was in was not one that I wanted to continue? Did I simply take for granted all the hard work and dedication during that first hard month?

Or maybe just underestimated how addiction works. 

I think about smoking every day. I think about how much I loved going outside and enjoying 3-5 minutes of being outside and smoking. Just thinking about it makes me want to have a cigarette. I know my sister has one sitting upstairs. 

But I'm not going to. 

Because that one leads me to another. a month later I'll be buying two cartons a month. 

I'm addicted to smoking. I don't even think its just nicotine. Its everything about smoking, the entire routine. If there was a "safe" cigarette, I would never ever ever quit. 

But there's not. 

It may be an urban myth, but I'm sure you've heard of "studies" that say quitting smoking can be as difficult as quitting heroin. I can't say I know the horrors of heroin withdrawal and I'm not about to sign up for a trial study. 

Almost all of the addiction rehab tries to "cure" you of your addiction, or "beat" it. "Overcome" your desire to smoke. "Destroy" nicotine's grip over your life.

How many times did I say that I had "quit" smoking? And yet, here I am again....trying to "quit" smoking. 

I think I was fooling myself before that I had actually quit or overcome my desire to smoke. Thinking that I had beat it. Because clearly I had not. 

So this time around, I'm looking at it another way. I'm accepting my addiction. 

I am a smoker. I will always want to smoke. If I start smoking again, I will love everything that I have always loved about smoking, and will tolerate all of the side effects. The rewards are worth the risks. 

And that's why I'm trying to refrain from saying that I've "quit" smoking. Much like a recovering alcoholic will ALWAYS be an alcoholic, I will always be a smoker. 

So like an alcoholic, I know that I want to smoke. That will always be a part of me. And that's what has to drive me to not smoke even one cigarette. 

I still honor my 8 AM "smoke break" with my friend from work. Sometimes I don't want to smoke, but sometimes I do. I think about asking her for a drag, or to bum a smoke. 

But I know that just one of those will bring me back into the fray, and I'll indulge my smoker side again. 

Will I ever smoke again? I don't know. But I didn't yesterday and I won't today. I just gotta take it a day at a time. 8 days down. 1 to go. 

Tomorrow. 

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I saw Moira today for the first time since I quit smoking. She is as beautiful and happy as ever. She stood on my lap and played with my Michigan hat. She used my pant leg to pull herself up. And I didn't have to leave at a commercial break to go have a cigarette.  

It's been 15 hours....

....since my last cigarette. 

I've been a smoker for about 10 years now. For the past 5-6 years, I was a pack a day. It was something I enjoyed, and a nice way to separate yourself from work for a few minutes at a time. It got me outside, enjoying a nice day, and spending time playing with Kaya. 

But then there's also the bad times - rainy days. The cold wind in winter. The cost. When you're sick but still need a nicotine fix. The nasty cough and phlegm in the mornings. The smell. The pressure from family and friends. Cancer. Death.

These are things that all smokers know about, but continue to do anyway. We know the dangers, we see the nasty looks we get from non-smokers as they walk past us. And we continue to do it. Its a stress reliever, and sometimes the only way to keep your sanity in a crazy world. 

Over the past 10 years, I've tried to quit several times. Some attempts lasted only a few hours. Some a few days or weeks. Twice I've quit for 6 months at a time, but always went back. 

If I ever got the chance to travel back in time, I think one of the first things I'd do is go back to the little 14 year old version of me, right before I tried my first cigarette, and I'd beat the living shit out of myself. 

But now, I realize its time to quit for good. Yes, I've said that before, and meant it, but I realize that this cannot continue. I've been wanting to quit for a few months now, but always found an excuse to put it off. I'll do it on my birthday. I'll do it after all the End-of-Fiscal year crap is done. I'll do it when my Smoke Buddy at work takes the new job in November. I'll do it before Thanksgiving. By Christmas I'm going to quit. New Years Resolution time!

I can't keep pushing it back. Last night, around 6 PM, I smoked my last cigarette. I'm on the patch now, and feeling good about it. Yes, there have been several times I've wanted to go out and have a smoke. But I didn't. Last night I had a dream about being in a movie theater where I was smoking. This morning I wanted to have that first puff of the morning, to get the day going. I didn't. And I don't plan on it. I slapped on a new nicotine patch, and went about my day. 

I guess one of the major turning points was my best friend having a child about 9 months ago. It hit me a bit ago that sooner rather than later, she's going to be able to form complete thoughts, talk, and realize that "Uncle Cheese" smells funny. And he goes outside a lot when he's spending time with Mom and Dad. And she's going to see me smoking when we're hanging out together. 

I don't want that. Its not fair to her parents to have me be around their child smelling of smoke all the time. Its not fair to them that they have to have to talk to her about what Uncle Cheese is doing, and why its bad. How could she ever look up to me knowing that I'm doing something bad? That's not fair to her either. 

She's 9 months old and I've never held her. I've never asked, because I know the reason why. They've never offered to let me hold her, and I know the reason why. 

So now I have a reason beyond just my own health and well-being to think about, and added incentive to quit. 

It's time. 

Thank you Moira. 

Indiana Jones and the Proof that George Lucas Sucks

If you haven't seen the new Indiana Jones movie yet, don't read any further. I'll spoil things for you that really, no person should ever have to see. 

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The first 30 minutes of this abomination truly set the pace for what's to come. Horrible acting, green screen when its totally unneeded, and a hint of technology that in no way should exist in the 1950s. Oh, and Cate Blanchett giving one of the worst performances of her entire career. What was with the accent? Did that part really require a "big name" or "respected" actress like Cate? Couldn't they have hired a hot Russian chick for that role, like they did in Last Crusade? That was part of the fun of Indiana Jones - it felt authentic. Granted, it did have numerous cartoon-y moments throughout the series, but you always felt like Indy and his gang were always THERE. This was littered with green screen and CGI crap - similar to why Terminator 3 was so bad. 

Then, Shia LaBeouf makes his appearance. I think they were going for "tough guy greaser/motorcycle bad ass". What it looked and felt like was "the cop from the Village People". All he needed was a bushy mustache. 

Once they get going on their adventure, the movie is actually fairly tolerable. For about 30 minutes. Then you get to the jungle car/boat/vine chase. Seriously. A car-boat. And Shia swinging like Tarzan with a group of monkeys who somehow realize that Shia is a good guy, and Russians are bad guys. That's not even to mention the sword fight that occurs between Mr. LaBeouf and Cate Blanchett. While they're both standing on the hood of two cars. That are driving pretty quickly. Through the jungle. But don't worry - no one was hurt during filming these scenes because THE ENTIRE THING WAS GREEN SCREEN!!! 

And then, you come to the big finish. 

Aliens. 

Really? Aliens?!?!

My head hurts, and I cannot believe how much George Lucas and Steven Spielberg suck for making this movie. There was no need for it. There was a little hope from fans that it WOULD be made, but I don't think anyone would really lose any sleep if it didn't get made. But they knew that if they DID make it, fanboys would come running. I mean, it worked for the Star Wars prequels, right? 

Make crap with computers, make a shit ton of money. 

I can't wait for the next installment - Indiana Jones and the Quest for a Decent Movie. 

I'm not holding out much hope. 

More movies I've seen Lately

The Happening - see post below. 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Okay. Not as funny as 40 year-old virgin, Knocked Up, or Superbad, but probably a better movie than Knocked Up or Superbad as far a story structure and execution. Kristen Bell is as cute as a basket full of kittens. Surrounded by puppies. And baby pandas sprinkled on top. 

Burn After Reading - I saw this with my friends The Writer and Ms. Liberal. I respect both of their opinions on movies as we all have fairly similar tastes. I really liked this, while both of them did not. I found it oddly appealing, dark, and hilarious at showing the ineptitude from top to bottom. Like The Big Lebowski - which was also mildly received by critics and audiences at first -I think this one will earn some legs over time. And J.K. Simmons steals the movie as the CIA head. He's one of the best actors we have right now. 

Choke - I saw this one with The Writer, as we were both highly anticipating it. I'd read the book before seeing the movie, The Writer had not. I think that gave him an advantage a bit going into the movie. Its such a strange story that brings together mental illness, sex addiction, colonial reenactments, and Jesus' foreskin. I cannot even begin to make this up. I thought the movie was good, and I laughed my ass off at times, but some of the joy of the story is seeing how this odd mix comes together. Knowing the story robbed me of seeing that unfold without knowing what was coming. 

Grandma's Boy - This is one of my favorite stoner comedies of all time. Know all those guys that Adam Sandler puts in all his movies? Well, he let them make their own movie. The bar does not sound pretty high on that, so it more than meets the expectations. Nick Swardson is hilarious as the man-child living with his "roommates" (parents) and loving his race car bed. One of the best scenes includes masturbation, an action figure, and someone's mom. Hilarity ensues. If you don't mind stupid stoner comedies, I highly recommend this one. 

I haven't laughed this hard since Troll 2

Ladies and gentlemen, make room in the hall of fame. Clear a shelf for The Happening. 

M. Night Shama-lama-ding-dong's newest film is probably one of the funniest movies of the year. The smugness and pretentiousness just ooze through the screen and gives you a nice warm hug. They yells at you for wasting electricity and not driving a hybrid car. 

The dialogue leaves you completely breathless. 

"What's happening?"

"I...I don't know" 

(dramatic stare....hold it....hold it....END SCENE)

I think this sequence took place 7-8 times. By Mark Wahlberg alone. I kept hoping for a "say hello to your mother for me", but sadly, it did not make an appearance. 

If you want to enhance the experience a bit by making a drinking game out of your evening, just drink anytime someone says "happening". You'll be hammered before the 30 minute mark. 

You want terror? M. Night has a FUCKING WIND MACHINE! WATCH OUT!

I really don't want to give away the movie for anyone, because really, our arrogant prick director/editor/writer/producer/narcissist basically slaps you across the face with it in the first 15 minutes, then continues to ram it up your ass in "subtle" ways. 

I expected this to be complete crap, but M. Night, I tip my hat to you. This is one of the most exquisite turds that has ever made it's way to film. 

 

So now, I give you some of my favorite "so bad they're great" movies:

The Happening

Troll 2 - seriously, go get this. now. Trolls who turn people into plants then eat said people. OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOD!

Robot Jox -  a downright classic from my childhood. In the future, all of the world's disagreements are settled by Robot Jox. Big robots. Fighting. It came out in the late 90's, and its "special effects' bankrupted the studio. I cannot come close to speaking the awesomeness that is this movie. 

Jack Frost - not the Michael Keaton family film, but the horror movie that came out two years earlier. This one follows about the same plot/set-up, but instead of a family man who turns into a snowman to see his kids or some shit like that, this Jack Frost is a criminal on his way to death row, and he becomes a killer snowman. Includes rape scene with Shannon Elizabeth and a carrot!

I'm sure there are more that I can't think of right now. Have any to add? 

Debate

Okay, there's just too many great things about this debate. I can't even come close to covering them all. 

But the biggest thing I've noticed, and yeah, they've probably been said before. The easy joke is McCain is old, but beyond that, he talks just like your dad trying to be hip, but his only real idea of what "hip" is comes from advertising trying to sell "hip", so he ends up trying to emulate the Burger King dad, who is trying to emulate the dad who isn't hip. 

Obama seems to suffer from the same speech problem that I do....our brains go faster than our words, so we end up saying weird things at the end of our sentences that totally don't make sense if you take it literally - but for the most part you get the point. I'm not sure if this was a direct quote or not, but Obama made a comment about doubling the size of the peace corps, and making them military ready to elevate the military burden. 

Um, I have no idea what his point was there, but I am SOOOOO for this idea. Doubling the number of annoying smelly hippies allowed into the peace corps (and thus, outside of the US), AND we can ship them into military service? 

Obama, you just got my vote.

The hurting is funny

Okay, I'm not going to lie, I enjoy me some (good) dumb humor. From a stupid stoner movie (I highly recommend Grandma's Boy - its literally a Sandler movie without Sandler), to Dumb and Dumber (a modern classic), to some of the Kevin Smith stuff. And yes, there's a lot of dumb humor out there that's just....dumb. A complete and utter waste of time, effort, money, and work. Its crap. 

But one thing I always find funny? People getting hurt. Someone falling down the stairs? Hilarious. Slipping on ice? Comic gold. A BMX wreck with a good face plant? Always a good chuckle. 

So how excited was I when I found the video below? Um, crap-your-pants excited! (don't worry, I changed them before writing this entry). Its 30 minutes of people hurting themselves, getting hurt, and having their friends hurt them. You heard me. 30 MINUTES. 

Yes, there are some graphic clips here that both are extremely painful and just gross. Bones breaking really freaked me out. But the animals pooping on people gave me a good guffaw though.  

Oh yeah, you've seen some of this clips before I'm sure, but never like this. Great editing with themes (people passing out a weddings! babies getting hurt! The Exorcist scare video! Car accidents!), and there's even some really cool non-accidents towards the end. 

So if you're as juvenile as I am some of the times, do yourself a favor and take the 34 minutes to appreciate this. 

My favorite part? When the guy got hurt. 

The ULTIMATE COMPILATION!!!
by phillyblacklite

A moral dilemma

So anyone who knows me knows that I'm a bit of an animal lover. I'm no PETA fan, as I find their tactics and hypocrisy quite repulsive, but I live in a house with three dogs, and we're the neighborhood kennel. For the entire month of June, there was some other dog in our house every day that we were dog-sitting. Yeah, we like dogs. 

Beyond that, I generally dig most earth-and-air-bound creatures (fuck all those sea-based bastards. Fuck you jellyfish. And fuck shrimp. Yeah, I said it. Know that delicious treat you're loving? That's the cockroach of the sea.)

So today, I had one of the worst animal related experiences of my life. 

A couple of friends moved into the neighborhood last week, so I decided to take my dog Kaya on a walk down to check out their place. She went a little nuts once we got there, cause they have two cats and the smell was everywhere. But I had her on the leash and she wasn't doing too much damage. It was just going to be a quick hello, so after a few minutes, Kaya and I head to the front door to say our adieus. Open the door, and Kaya almost pulls my arm out of the socket. When I look to see what's captivated her attention so much, I see it. A baby squirrel laying on the steps. 

I pull Kaya off as quick as I can, and move away from the stairs. That's when I notice that the squirrel is laying flat on its stomach, unable to move. I guess it got hit by a car, or maybe fell out of a tree or something, but it clearly looked like its back was broken. Trying to keep Kaya calm and away from the squirrel, I then hear it. A death scream. Loud and piercing. It could be one of the worst sounds I've ever heard in my life. 

So here's the moral dilemma - what should I have done in that situation? Walk away and let it be someone else's problem? Call Animal Control and have them come get it? Or do I have to put it out of its misery? 

There's  not a chance in hell that I could bare killing it. I know it was dying, and I know it was in pain. But I just would not be able to do it. My stomach hurt just seeing it there. 

I took Kaya and walked back up the street towards home. Half a block away I heard the scream again, and it seemed even louder than when I was standing right beside it. 

Trickle Down Economics

Let me tell a story about a man I know, which will help explain why I consider myself fiscally conservative, and believe in the idea of trickle down economics. 

This man is older, maybe early 60's. For most of his career he worked in a normal office job. He is intelligent and hard working, and was able to see a fairly progressive rise in his career. However, economic hard times were faced, and several times he found himself the victim of cutbacks and downsizing. 

Sometimes these stints were short, but sometimes they were longer. Savings started to diminish. Relocation became a necessity. But he and his family landed on their feet eventually, and things picked up where they left off. 

All the while, this man held the dream of one day owning his own business. Not having a boss anymore. Being able to make real changes to a company - to advance in the industry and provide a better life for his employees. Several years ago, after another lay off, he began exploring his options - looking for investors, investigating small businesses, building a team to work with. After much looking, he found a small manufacturing business in another state. With the financial backing in place, he bought the company and took over as President of the corporation. His first goal was to raise the company's profit enough to offer his 60 or so employees health care. 

Like any small business, his depended on getting raw materials from his suppliers and customer contracts.

A supplier who faces supply shortages due to financial constraints. Increasing fuel charges for delivery vehicles. Customers who are upset at getting their products late and at higher costs. 

Your customers - major companies themselves - are receiving products late and at higher costs, thus limiting their ability to recoup their expenses. Cutbacks are required to keep themselves afloat. 

Contracts are cancelled. Banks are unable to extend additional credit because they have no money after putting their chips on the line and coming up short. Interest rates for business credit goes through the roof. Without additional credit, his ability to purchase the supplies needed (now costing more than before, thus cutting into the company's income) is non-existent. 

His company hits hard time. Executive staff takes pay cuts to prevent staff layoffs. But its not enough. Not nearly enough. Fewer customers buying fewer products. 

The board meets to discuss its options. It looks like the worst case scenario. Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. Massive layoffs, possibly the entire staff of the manufacturing plant, and administrative staff. 

For small business owners, when the company they own declare Chapter 11, its almost a certainty that the primary owner will have to declare bankruptcy as well. In doing so, the only thing you're entitled to personally is $15,000. Anything else, they sell. 

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This is just one example. And its not meant to be a sob story. Its just an example of why the notion of trickle down economics and the importance of small businesses. If this current economic crisis continues for long, this story will repeat itself across the country. 

Small businesses are the backbone of this country. They employ a vast majority of the employed people of this country - jobs ranging from fast food and convenience stores to government contractors, to numerous industrial workers. 

And that's why corporations receive so many tax breaks - because they employe a vast majority of the work force, either currently or at some point in their lives. 

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Essentially, and in it's simplest form, the entire economic system is a huge pyramid scheme. 

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And that's the only reason I really can even begin to support this economic bailout. Buy buying the bad mortgages (which have no real capital behind them)  from the the banks - in theory - we'll free the banks up to offer additional credit to companies (these are usually 3-month loans), which allows smaller companies to purchase needed (or additional) materials to keep business going, and keeping their employees, well, employed. 

That's not to say that I'm supporting giving $700 billion away. But something has to happen, or things could get a lot worse.

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Jesus fucking tap dancing christ. Why don't any of you (2-3) readers out there ever tell me to shut the fuck up about the serious shit? 

Honestly, I'm going to be the old dude living by himself with 3 dogs. I'm gonna be outside 8 hours a day holding the hose pretending to water the lawn. And all I'm really doing is waiting for someone to come by and do something annoying so I can yell at them. 

I mean, yeah, I can't wait for those days. Being old and cranky and crazy seems awesome. 

But I'm not there quite yet. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me to knock it off, stop being Debbie Downer, and have some fun. 

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I promise, I'll try my best to make this more of a light-hearted and fun place to come and spend some time. Just as soon as those damn kids stop loitering in front of my house.